Virgin Voyages’ UK Comedy Cruise is a laugh-and-a-half

The chances of a comedian being heckled by the *actual* Atlantic Ocean are low, but as it transpires on Virgin Voyages’ Scarlet Lady, never zero. “Err…what the fuck was that,” jokes Jack Whitehall as a mid-afternoon comedy set in the ship’s Red Room is frequently interrupted by the thunderous sound of waves crashing against the sides of the vessel.

A bit of context at this point. I’d been invited by Virgin Voyages to enjoy a six night round-trip from Portsmouth for their inaugural UK Comedy Fest, which would see Whitehall – an actual arena-filling comedian – joined by some of the other leading lights in comedy from across the country on a voyage that stopped off at La Coruna and Bilbao in Spain and Le Verdon in France.

But when we hit the Bay of Biscay (famously turbulent, apparently, I had no idea), the voyage had descended into a farce of its own. Nauseous guests wandered the decks like the living dead, while the ship’s general store was doing a roaring trade in anti-sickness bands and tablets.

In the grand scheme of things, however, this was a minor and unavoidable quibble on what might just be the most enjoyable week I’ve ever spent on a ship. Virgin Voyages is, in a nutshell, a cruise for people who might perhaps be wary of that very concept. There’s no cruise director giving a Hello Campers style address piped into your room every morning, no stifling dress codes and – best of all for some – no kids. Here’s a voyage where having fun and being yourself is the order of the day.

That’s only too clear on the first night as we check into Gunbae, the ship’s Korean BBQ themed restaurant and – for my money – the most entertaining dining experience you’ll have all week. The restaurant’s communal tables mean you’re sitting with other sailors and while this may sound like a social anxiety nightmare, it’s a chance to really throw yourself into the madness. You’ll need it when your waiter punctuates servings of delicious traditional dishes with a drinking game where the loser has to neck a shot of Sake.

In fact, the food by and large is by far the best I’ve ever tried on a cruise and that’s shown in the restaurant’s other eateries, which can be pre-booked. We particularly enjoyed the Pink Agave Mexican Restaurant where delicious dishes can be washed with a mezcal cocktail which has crickets floating in it and the experimental Test Kitchen which leans into gastronomy and dares to challenge even the most curious of palettes. The best part? They’re all included in the price of your voyage and so is The Galley, an impressive food court that offers a wide array of options if you’re looking for a quick bite before disembarking at your latest stop.

Not included in the price, but equally fun, is the Grog Walk – a bar crawl led by the Happenings Cast (the ship’s entertainment team) where the very fair price of $50 will allow you to experience four different cocktails at four different bars. There’s very silly challenges along the way to redeem your drink, but on the first night it’s a brilliant way of finding your way around the ship’s numerous bars and the different quirks that each have.

But this was, after all, a comedy cruise, and the programming reflected just how right Virgin have managed to get it. There was Kiwi comic Matt Stellingwerf, who delivered a brilliant routine about the quirks of raising his young family in Northern England. And a true gem came from John Robertson, who presented a hilariously inspired immersive game show called The Dark Room, which took its cues from 1980s style choose-your-own-adventure games and resulted in the best show we saw all week. It’s worth noting, however, that the queues for the comedy can get considerably long and you should be prepared to show up sufficiently early if you’re hoping to bag a seat. A fairer system, perhaps, could be trying the first-come-first-served booking option via an app that other cruise lines currently offer.

Ultimately though, it’s a cruise where a relentless sense of fun reigns supreme. It’s clear in the brilliantly random Y2K New Year’s Eve party which takes us back to the Year 2000, and equally clear in the secret party which the Happenings Cast invited us to only a matter of hours later (ssssh). The uncertain weather meant that the Scarlet Night party – where all passengers dress in a certain shade of Virgin red – was forced to retreat inside from its usual poolside extravaganza – but we’ll be certain to experience it when we make our return. We’re not sure exactly when that will be, but my wife and I have agreed that it *will* happen. We’ll just avoid the Bay of Biscay next time…